I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
