so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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