I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
