I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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