Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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