he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
