If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
