y did u give ur computer a hand job?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
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Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
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I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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