Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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