I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
