This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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