just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
did i just pee glitter
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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