I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
