in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
