My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
