She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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