Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
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Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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