So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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