Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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