so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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