I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
