I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
