Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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