My friends, they love my intelligence
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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