Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
