Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
