My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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