The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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