i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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