Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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