you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
