She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
