Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
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