Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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