OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
