you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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