God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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