I can text with my tongue
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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