I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
