tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
