I hate all girls vehemently.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
