I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
