meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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