how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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