If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
