I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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