Your mouth is God's brothel.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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