The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
