My liver just broke up with me...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
