my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
