dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
