Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
