I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
