I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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