just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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