In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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