Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Did I show you my penis last night?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
